


trying to set straight the lines that i trace to find some relief

by potentiallythiswillbegay



Series: you say i turned out fine, i think i'm still turning out [2]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alex (Julie and The Phantoms) Needs A Hug, Alex Has Bad Parents (Julie and The Phantoms), Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Gen, Homophobia, Hopeful Ending, Internalized Homophobia, Julie Molina Being The Best, M/M, Pre-Canon, Protective Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Self-Acceptance, alex has a LOT of anxiety that really peaked with the sexuality crisis and the boy deserves a break, alex/luke but it ends pre-death, it's the 90s baybey and hey the boys are hurting LETS EXPLORE THAT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 08:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27467968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potentiallythiswillbegay/pseuds/potentiallythiswillbegay
Summary: Alex found comfort and familiarity in drumming. Drumming was all about keeping rhythm, and keeping time with his best friends was something he never had trouble doing. His parents wanted him to stay to their rhythm.He knew he couldn’t have both.---------Alex realises his biggest fears, sees them come true before his eyes, and finds love in unexpected but all too welcome places.Or, Alex in the 90s.
Relationships: Alex & Bobby | Trevor Wilson, Alex & Bobby | Trevor Wilson & Luke Patterson & Reggie, Alex & Luke Patterson & Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex & Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex & Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex/Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms)
Series: you say i turned out fine, i think i'm still turning out [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2001766
Comments: 5
Kudos: 150





	trying to set straight the lines that i trace to find some relief

**Author's Note:**

> title from heaven by troye sivan ft. betty who (bc it was my own Sexuality Crisis song)  
> holy shoot the response to my last fic was so sweet, thank you all so much!! if you haven't read that, it's part one of the series, and i would recommend reading it first as this is a continuation/alternate pov. also, if you read part one when it was first posted, then i've actually changed and added a new scene since then, so maybe re-read it anyway.  
> please note the rating due to swearing, homophobia (the f-slur is NOT stated), experience of panic attacks, and non-explicit child abuse. stay safe, lovelies.

Alex knew he was gay when he was eleven, and realised Luke Patterson and his stupidly messy hair was actually pretty cute. That crush lasted about two days before he watched his best friend almost walk into a locker door while staring at a girl from his science class, and was reminded that Luke was an idiot, and that Alex wasn’t allowed to be gay.

His parents were nice people, middle-class and smiling faces to the neighbourhood, but Alex knew the type of expectations they had for him. Namely an office job, wife, and children.

His father had very strict values. Alex was told to stay away from the wrong kinds of kids, from bad neighbourhoods, and learnt the meanings of various slurs before he turned twelve. He had memorised exactly what his father thought of the stories of sick men in the papers and on the news, and those ugly words sat deep inside him for years and years.

When they were younger, Reggie and Luke often came over after school to Alex’s place to hang out, his parents happy that their son had such close friends. Reggie and Luke were good kids, by Alex’s parents' standards, and the three gave no reason for them to believe otherwise.

* * *

Drumming was something Luke had introduced him to when they were twelve, by dragging him and Reggie to a rehearsal room to show off something he had learnt on the guitar, and Alex gave into his and Reggie’s puppy-dog eyes as he hovered beside the drum kit.

“C’mon, Alex, what better way to let out nerves than banging it out on some drums!” Luke had said, blinking his eyelashes, not shifting even under Alex’s glare.

“Yeah, come on dude, you’re always drumming your fingers when you’re anxious, why not try actually playing?” Reggie raised an eyebrow, a bass guitar in his hands at Luke’s request. Alex didn’t bother arguing with him, knowing that Reggie was more observant than most people gave him credit for, and Luke’s insistence always came from a place of deep belief.

Of course, they had been right, and drumming became Alex’s main output whenever he was anxious. Whether it was sitting at the drum kit, or even just spinning his drum sticks in his hands, or a beat against his leg, it helped him.

As they got older, and Alex’s interest in drumming became more of an occupation, his parents grew more concerned that his best friends weren’t the right kind of influences on him.

“It’d be nice if you could spend some more time with those boys from church, maybe they can help you out with your English grades!” His mother would say over family dinner, Alex nodding and biting his tongue before he confessed something none of them would like.

Drumming was all about keeping rhythm, and keeping time with his best friends was something he never had trouble doing. His parents wanted him to stay to their rhythm.

He knew he couldn’t have both.

* * *

The formation of the band was always Luke’s idea. From being the cause of both Reggie and Alex picking up their instruments, to bringing Bobby to the group, to voicing the idea, it was all Luke.

And really, the other three were right there with him. Reggie and Alex had seen Luke fall in love with music every step of the way, from writing ‘My Name Is Luke’ under the desk in history class, to the very first draft of ‘Crooked Teeth’ as they pretended to study in Alex’s room on a Friday night. Bobby was every bit as passionate as the other three, working to find them somewhere to actually rehearse that let them keep their own instruments, rather than using the school’s dusty music rooms.

Alex remembered when Reggie turned up late to rehearsal one morning, cheeks flushed from running but a brand new bass guitar in his hands, grinning proudly that he had saved up to get his own. Alex elbowed Bobby before the latter boy could ask why Reggie’s parents hadn’t bought it for him, not knowing the truth but assuming enough about Reggie’s family. Alex saw the pride Reggie had over something that was entirely his own, and had saved up enough to get his own drum kit not too long later.

He told himself that being a good drummer for his friends - his band - was enough of an identity for him, and that he could throw himself wholeheartedly into music without needing to worry about what other ways he could disappoint his parents.

He wasn’t allowed to be gay, after all.

* * *

Alex was fifteen when he accepted that he was actually gay. His three best friends had all at one point or another commented about girls they were attracted to, and he knew it wouldn’t be long before questions came to him as well.

It was the summer break before Sunset Curve, and his parents dragged him away for a church camping weekend the same week Luke had gotten caught sneaking out and landed himself a week and a half of being grounded, effectively cutting off any particularly efficient band rehearsals. Bobby, Reggie and Alex still turned up that week, but they agreed quickly it wasn’t the same working without him and ended up messing around on the beach instead for hours before Alex had to leave.

That weekend, he ended up sneaking off and kissing a taller boy named James behind the cabins after everyone had gone to bed, knowing he’d never see him again, hiding behind trees and abandoned buildings. James was confident in himself in a way Alex doubted he ever could be, wearing pastel purple shirts even as parents and teenagers whispered about him in front of him.

“I don’t care, Alex. They’re not gonna change me, and I’m okay with being a raging queer if it hurts them. I’m already too far gone for my parents.” He grinned when Alex asked, before dragging him into a particularly thick cluster of trees and kissing away his worried look, distracting him from asking any further questions.

If Alex’s parents noticed his sudden close friendship to the boy, they never let on anything, especially as his mother joined the whispers about his confidence and appearance. James kissed Alex goodbye before sunrise the day they were due to leave, and Alex swore either he was trying to kill him, either through anxiety or pure feelings, as his heart threatened to burst out of his chest the entire three-hour drive home.

For some reason connected to the weekend, Alex promised himself that he would come out to his band.

But when he got home and arrived at Luke’s house as he had planned, Reggie was crying on the floor of Luke’s room, looking smaller than should be allowed in Luke’s arms, and every anxiety-fuelled plan flew out the window as Alex and Luke tried to help their best friend as best they could.

* * *

Alex failed at fulfilling the promise of coming out for months after the camping trip. 

Reggie was completely the priority, from the minute Alex walked in on his breakdown, through the following weeks where he and Luke would share worried looks over the usually energetic boy’s silent moments, or quiet days when Bobby would slide Reggie half his food at lunch, nodding at Alex and Luke without a word, or letting Reggie make as many stupid jokes as he wanted without snapping at him and being sure to smile after every tired sigh.

The other three didn’t need to voice their thoughts with each other to know to keep an eye out, the same way they had when Bobby’s parents upped the pressure on their oldest son to ‘succeed’ and tore him away from band rehearsals and free weekends, or when Luke’s parents grounded him week after week for worsening grades and missing school from scouting venues and gigs.

Alex was _fine_. Being back home, away from the supposed safety of hiding in the woods, he remembered how much he could lose from being honest or letting his walls drop even the slightest bit. So he went to church, went to school, went to rehearsal, and told himself that this was the happiest he was allowed to be; he could say nothing and keep everyone happy.

It was a cold January evening in 1994, Luke bouncing as they finished playing through a song he had completed the week before, a contagious smile flowing through to each of the boys.

“Luke, you keep killing it!” Reggie cheered, Luke lowering his head to hide a flush but quickly raising it again to smile thankfully back.

“Thanks, man,” This bright smile dropped as something bitter came over his face, his voice lowering, “wish my parents agreed.”

Alex frowned, moving around to stand beside him. “They’re still not listening?”

Luke shook his head. “No. They don’t exactly know that I’m here now.” Alex felt his eyebrows furrow in worry, but Luke was quick to flick him on the forehead and shake his head. “No, none of that. I’ll be fine.” He walked away to pick up his previously discarded hoodie, and Alex bit back a curse when he noticed himself staring at Luke’s arms.

“Does that mean you’re heading back tonight?” Bobby asked, his guitar already down as he stretched across the couch.

Luke grinned, and Alex couldn’t help the small smile that came onto his face at the comfortably familiar sight. “Course not, it’s a band night.” Luke fell back on the couch without looking back, narrowly missing Bobby and initiating bickering between the two, a battle that quickly turned into pillows and shoving that Reggie moved closer to join in on.

Alex felt his heart do something in his chest, and before he could think about the consequences or how much he was risking, he thought of the promise to himself and opened his mouth to speak.

“Hey, guys, can I say something?” Alex winced at how loud his voice came out in the otherwise empty studio, all three boys freezing and turning to him.

“Yeah, dude, anytime,” Reggie said quickly with an easy smile, flopping down into the armchair as Luke and Bobby stayed on the couch with curious expressions.

“Uh, okay.” Alex felt himself pulling on the sleeves of his hoodie, and he was all too aware of his surroundings. It suddenly felt too heavy on his shoulders, and the bag across his chest was restrictive, and- when did his hair fall over his eye?

“-Alex.” Luke was suddenly in front of him, holding one of his hands and looking into his eyes, and Alex nodded as he shrunk into himself.

“Right. I’m fine. I just…” Luke’s eyes were wide but kind, Bobby was half obscured by Luke’s position but his expression was unrecognisable, and Reggie looked worried but smiled as Alex looked at him. Alex closed his eyes and lowered his head as he finally got the words out, the words he hadn’t been able to say out loud until now- “I’m gay.”

Luke’s grip froze in his, and the studio was filled with silence, and Alex couldn’t bear to open his eyes. There was some shuffling, his hands were suddenly empty, and Alex felt his heart start to break as he braced himself for some form of impact from the three people he loved the most, who he thought loved him as much. Instead, he let out an involuntary surprised gasp as a pair of arms wrapped around his shoulders, familiar messy hair against the side of his face, and a shaky breath beside his ear. He barely had time to open his eyes before another pair of arms was around him from the side, squeezing even tighter, then a third pair across all of them.

He closed his eyes quickly again as tears started to build, and his arms came up to hold his family.

“You’re okay, Alex,” Bobby said first, leaning back on his heels to let the boy catch his breath.

“We love you.” Reggie breathed from beside him, and all it took was the slightest crack in his voice to break down the last of Alex’s defences.

Alex let out a sob and buried his face in Luke’s shoulder, both Reggie and Luke moving to hold him closer as Bobby’s weight returned on top of them. Luke’s arms around his shoulders grounded him, without restricting his anxious breaths, as one of Reggie’s hands came up to gently run through his hair in a calming pattern.

After a few minutes, Alex’s breaths had evened out, and he pulled back from his bandmates the slightest bit, just enough to be able to see them all. Part of him regretted it, as the sight of all three in various states of crying was plenty to bring tears back to his own eyes.

“No, stop it,” Reggie huffed out, wiping his cheeks with one flannel sleeve as his other hand grabbed Alex’s with a soft smile. “I can’t take any more crying.”

“I didn’t know if…” Alex didn’t finish his sentence, the anxiety in his posture saying enough about where his thoughts sat. Luke shook his head quickly as his hands fell from Alex’s shoulders, grabbing Alex’s free hand again.

“Of course we wouldn’t, Alex. It’s you, how could we ever?” Luke’s voice was passionate, just as it was when defending his music, and Alex didn’t let his thoughts linger on the way his heart picked up under Luke’s gaze.

There are easy answers to Luke’s rhetorical questions, answers that bring reality back far too quickly to the surface. Alex’s parents, their school, managers, and their future as a band, all risked because of who he was. If anyone who didn’t love him like these three heard a word… he was sure that’d be it for Sunset Curve.

Alex had thought it over a lot.

“When… when did you realise?” Reggie asked hesitantly.

“I was eleven… you know my parents. I tried to change, but…” He winced at the lack of structure to the words he was getting out, but he didn’t need to finish to be understood.

“It’s who you are. You can’t change it, and you shouldn’t have to feel like you need to either.” There was depth to Luke’s words, so much so that Alex looked at him with surprise, but Luke wasn’t looking at him.

“Are you ever going to tell your parents?” Bobby's voice was quiet, and Alex stared at Luke for a second longer before turning to him. 

“Not for a long, long time. Until we can succeed, and I don’t worry about whether or not I’ll have a roof over my head afterwards.” There was sadness but truth in Alex’s words, and all four boys knew it.

Bobby looked contemplative for a second until he spoke up again. “You know, for someone as tall as you are, you shouldn’t be allowed to look so small in that hoodie.” That startled a laugh out of Alex, and he dropped Luke’s hand to swing playfully at Bobby.

That night, the four fell asleep in the studio, radio playing quietly as they laid beside each other on the pull-out couch, a giant blanket or two thrown across all four teenage bodies but each other’s warmth used to sleep through the winter night.

Alex awoke the next morning to Reggie’s head on his shoulder and arm linked in his, his other arm underneath Luke, who had thrown one arm over Alex’s waist and used the other as a pillow, and a creased but empty spot on Reggie’s other side where he remembered Bobby had been, confused about his absence until the guitarist appeared in the doorway of the studio in a coat with arms full of fast-food breakfast and a warm smile.

There was euphoria in being accepted so readily by all three of them, but the anxiety didn’t take it’s time before it began creeping its way back.

* * *

Saying nothing was the best plan to be able to stay at home with his parents, Alex had decided on. In the safety of the studio, he could be more himself than he ever thought was possible, but at home, he had to keep his head on straight (ha.) and play the perfect Catholic son for his parents.

He stayed in school, even as Luke started showing up to fewer classes, as Reggie had quieter days, as the circles under Bobby’s eyes grew darker.

Being sixteen was exhausting.

He could stay quiet and nod to his father’s suggestions at family dinners, overthinking every possible reaction he would face for breathing a word of who he really was.

He could stay silent through church services, moving as he was expected to while questioning the very foundations of belief he had been ingrained to have faith in.

He could stay in the background of classrooms and high school, avoiding even the risk of conflict and having any focus on him for reasons other than his music.

But with his bandmates, he knew exactly where he stood. He was their drummer, their best friend, the outlet of most of their collective anxiety.

In March, the four boys had spent the evening at Bobby’s place to celebrate the boy’s birthday and ended up walking through the quiet streets at nearly midnight just to go to their studio to crash instead.

Walking through the streets, any passerby would have guessed that Bobby was the oldest of them simply from the exhausted expression he had every time Luke and Reggie, with their arms linked, swayed on the edge of the sidewalk and almost stumbled onto the road.

“You know if you two just walked normally…” Bobby cut himself off with a sigh, before raising an eyebrow at Alex’s grin, “What?”

“It’s nice to see someone else worried for once.” Alex teased, Bobby frowning and reaching over to mess up Alex’s hair, his glare breaking as they both laughed.

Luke and Reggie continued walking arm in arm, Reggie’s warm laugh echoing in the empty street as Luke’s eyes squinted with a smile and he sang along to a half-written song from their rehearsals earlier that week.

“How’s home?” Bobby’s soft voice startled Alex out of his observations, and Alex all but stopped walking as his brain processed the question.

“It’s… fine.” Alex knew what Bobby was really asking, and he sighed and shoved his hands into his pockets, “I’m trying not to think about it. Holding out until we succeed.”

“You’ll be fine.” Bobby looked forward, smiling at the other two, “We’ve got your back, no matter what. We all have each other’s back.” Alex saw the sadness in Bobby’s expression and noticed how he was watching Reggie, and knew the helplessness he felt.

None of them had it great, but they were getting close to something with each other. Every time they played, as they got chased from the outside of a club, or thrown off looks within a book club, or dismissive comments in the school hallways and in the crowds of small gigs.

They were getting closer to standing on the edge of… something better.

* * *

Luke ran out on his parents right before Christmas, and Alex watched as Bobby didn’t blink before telling him that their studio was as much his home as any of theirs and that he deserved to feel safe somewhere.

Alex didn’t think Bobby was only talking about Luke.

On New Year's Eve, 1994, the four teenagers of Sunset Curve had agreed to try and spend the night together, or as much as they could. With Luke in the studio, Reggie rarely at home if he could help it, Alex stressed out of his mind about his family, and Bobby feeling constantly occupied by his family, the four were pleasantly surprised to have a few hours to chill, drink and eat with each other on the last night of the year.

Bobby was comfortably lounged across one of the falling-apart armchairs, grinning across at Reggie, who was sat on the floor leaning his head back against the couch Alex and Luke sat on. Alex was sitting somewhat normally, one crossed leg underneath him, as Luke laid down so his head was in Alex’s lap. Alex was running his fingers through the mess of hair as if a habit, beyond comfortable with each other by this point in their friendship.

“Fuck this year,” Bobby spoke into the air, three half-assed cheers of agreement following.

Luke sat up suddenly, startling Reggie and Alex. “Next year, though. That’ll be it. We’ll make it.”

“Together I think that we can make it.” Alex sang quietly, words and a melody entirely made up on the spot, but causing Luke to turn to him quickly with a wide smile. None of the other three were that surprised when Luke jumped up and ran to where his notebook was slid behind his guitar, flipping it open to a new page and writing furiously for a few moments.

“You know, maybe that’s why your handwriting is so bad, Luke. You don’t let your hand catch up to how quick your brain goes.” Bobby teased, Reggie laughing and leaning forward to fistbump him.

“Shush. Shut up, let me get this out.” Luke mumbled, as Alex was transfixed by the way he was biting his lip, until he caught and scolded himself.

He’s seventeen now, after his birthday a month and a bit ago, and he’s accepted the family he really had around him. Luke, Reggie, and Bobby were all the family he told himself he needed if his parents were ever to find out anything… less than ideal about him. Of course, that would be the absolute worst-case scenario, but… well, there was always the studio with Luke.

Luke had left his family before he lost the thing most important to him, and although he hid his notebook from the others until he was ready for them to see, Alex had suspicions there were the beginning works of a song for that, too. 

As the night got later, Bobby ended up leaving to return to his parents, having to make up for having bailed on their Thanksgiving lunch. Reggie, not sure if his parents were even in the city for the night, decided to leave to check, promising to return before midnight.

Luke and Alex filled the time, talking about people at school they never wanted to see again, other bands in the area who deserved a shot at success (after Sunset Curve, they knew they were going somewhere first), and anything else to keep the other speaking and to stop them from over-thinking anything.

Considering it was the end of December, in a garage at night, the two had gravitated towards each other for warmth, ending up under a blanket on the couch, laughing about something which shouldn’t have been as funny as it was, when Luke grabbed Alex’s hand.

Now, the four of them had always been affectionate. Leaning on each other as they spoke, not hesitating when one needed a hug, grabbing each other to get attention or to get a point across… that was normal. They had all gotten used to being so comfortable with each other, that Reggie grabbing Alex’s arm as he tried to get across a particularly exciting idea, or Luke leaning against Bobby or Alex at every opportunity when standing up… that was more than normal.

Luke and Alex, sitting with barely any room between them on the couch, alone in their band’s studio, and Luke grabbing Alex’s hand and not letting go?

That wasn’t their normal.

Alex looked at Luke and knew that the other boy was aware of what he was doing, and at least partially aware as to what it was doing to Alex.

“When you came out to us…” Alex felt his heart freeze, but Luke squeezed his hand once with a smile before he could panic too much, “I wanted to talk to you about it. Reggie asked you when, but I never got to ask you how.”

“How I knew I’m gay?” Alex managed to get out, and Luke nodded. “I just… noticed a boy. I knew I was supposed to be noticing and thinking about girls, so I tried to ignore it, but it wasn’t a big fanfare. A part of me, ever since I learnt the word, was scared that it fit. It fit too well, and I hated it. But… it didn’t go away, and I’m still here.” Alex’s words weren’t clear, or well-organised, but Luke was watching him as if he had spoken the world’s most prolific and well-thought-out speech.

“I never thought I was, because I noticed girls, and thought I was normal. Then I heard new words, and that it was possible for someone to like guys and I thought - hey, that’s new, but that’s normal. I never thought it could be me, but…”

Alex’s heart raced, and he resisted shoving his free hand in his pocket as he recognised the anxiety in Luke’s eyes.

“I’m queer, too. I like guys, but I like girls too. Just… people.” Luke finally smiled, the slightest bit, and Alex didn’t waste a second more before pulling him into a hug, both relieved and finding familiarity and so much love in the arms of the other.

“I never thought- I always felt so alone, and with my family…” Alex tried to subtly wipe away a tear from underneath his eye when they leant back, but Luke’s teary smile stopped him from even trying.

“I never told my parents. I don’t know how they would’ve reacted anyway. Confused, definitely. They never said anything, but maybe it’s something when it’s your own kid.” 

“Yeah. I don’t know what I’m doing with my parents.” Alex shrugged, but at Luke’s open look, he continued, “We have moments where I”m like ‘yeah, I could tell them, and I think they love me enough to not care’ - or at least my mum is. But then I actually see them at church, or overhear the way they speak with their friends… I know what’ll happen if they ever find out.”

Luke’s eyes widened, “They’d kick you out? Really?”

“I mean, yeah. I know it’ll happen eventually, but I don’t want to lose them yet.”

Something about that set Luke off, his energy dialling up as he moved around, “This is all so ridiculous! We’re barely seventeen, I left, you feel doomed to be basically disowned. Reggie and Bobby are still sixteen, Reggie’s parents are always one word from killing each other or hurting him, and Bobby’s parents only care about him when he’s disappointing them. What kind of bullshit did we get stuck with?!” Luke fumed, but his hand didn’t leave Alex’s.

Alex watched him vent, letting him let it all go before he spoke. “Maybe that’s why we work together so well. We have so much else, but we have each other, our music, and the fact that we know that we’re young. We’re trying to make it while we’re young so we can know what it could be like to have it all.” 

Luke looked at him, and his eyes were so intense that Alex almost looked away. Before he could process it fully, Luke was leaning forward and kissing him, the hand that wasn’t in Alex’s coming up to hold his cheek.

Alex froze for a second, just enough for Luke to start to pull away, before he was leaning forward and meeting him halfway.

It was eleven at night on New Year's Eve, the last minutes of 1994 slowly ticking away, and two best friends were falling into each other in ways terrifying and unfamiliar.

“Wait,” Alex was the first to properly pull back, and he was distracted by the flush on Luke’s cheeks for a second before refocusing, “We… this isn’t just because I’m- we’re…”

“Just because I only know you’re gay? No, Alex, of course not. You’re-” Luke shook his hands around for a second, trying to find the words, “You’re _you_ , I don’t know how else to put it. You’re funny, and kind, and a smartass, and the best drummer I know, and… well, look at yourself. You’re my best friend, and a lot more.” Alex was smiling at Luke’s words, and his anxiety calmed just a bit as Luke kept smiling at him.

“You’re ridiculously dramatic.”

“Eh, some things call for some dramatics.”

“Well, now you sound like Reggie.” Before Luke could claim that as a compliment, Alex placed a hand over his mouth, “In a drunk-Reggie ‘let’s cover Alex’s drums with glitter’ kind of way.”

Luke rolled his eyes but pulled off Alex’s hand, not letting it go, “I do mean it, though.”

Alex smiled softly again, but his brain quickly caught up to his stupidly fast heart. “We… this can’t come in the way of the band. Whatever we are, the band is absolutely everything.”

Luke’s smile faded but he nodded quickly, still holding Alex’s hands tight. “Look, I just want to be us, okay? No labels, no obligations. If we change… we change, but we talk. I really like you, but you’re right. We know what we can do as a band, and nothing stops us.”

Alex smiled, and before he could second guess himself, was singing quietly, “And even if we hit the ground, we’ll still fly.” Luke’s smile in return was almost blinding, and something calmed in Alex’s heart.

* * *

Alex knew what his parents would do if they ever found out he was gay, and he had told Luke as much. Reggie and Bobby had assumed, or been told, as well, and the three had made it clear that if it ever were to come even close, that the studio was his home, and they all cared for him.

Saying that he knew the consequence, and seeing it come to life, were two very, very different things.

Alex’s parents were good people, just as their neighbours and church friends thought. They would never throw their own son out onto the streets.

Abuse, guilt, curse, and berate him for hours on end until he felt no option but give up or leave, though? Then that was his choice to make, and they held no responsibility for where their son ended up.

Alex didn’t remember all the details of the night, but as much as he tried to forget it, he remembered the fight vividly.

His father, spouting homophobic slurs and curses over some headline in the news, decided to speak to Alex directly over it.

“And son, innocent boys like you being told this fairy shit is okay, that it isn’t messing with your heads, that’s the sin of those-”

Alex remembered every word spoken, but he didn’t like to.

His father had continued on for minutes until Alex lost his head entirely and snapped at him to show some decency.

Wrong choice of words, wrong topic to argue, wrong man to challenge.

“And what is it to you? You like them? You a-”

Alex was tired. He knew who he was, and what it was like to have people who loved him unconditionally. So he said nothing to his father’s comment, simply staring back at him. The first thing he registered was his father’s face changing into something uglier, and his mother’s horrified gasp as her hand shot over her mouth and she stared at Alex.

Alex’s father was silent, unreadable as he looked at his son. Alex looked away for one second to look at his mother and-

 _Bam_.

Alex’s mother cried out just as Alex’s hands came up to cover his rapidly bruising cheek, looking up through tears to stare at the man who had just hit him.

“That’s where you stand up for yourself.” His father said, eyes burning with rage.

His mother came forward then, not touching Alex or his father, but looking at her son with teary eyes. “Alexander… say that he’s wrong. Tell us you’re not broken like that.” She must have seen something in his face as she stood back by her husband, as tears rolled down Alex’s cheeks and he accepted what was coming.

Before either of them could say a word or react, he ran out of the room, into his bedroom where he locked the door behind him.

He wasn’t panicking. The panic would come later, he knew, but for now, he grabbed the black bag he had half-packed under his bed, shoved the clothes closest to him into it, and swung it onto his back along with his blue duffle bag, which already had his pink hoodie, notebooks and drumsticks left in from rehearsal earlier that day.

He heard movement in the house and felt his heart beat rapidly in his chest as he rushed, grabbing a journal left on his bedside table and shoving it into the bag before closing it. He looked one last time around his childhood bedroom and left out the window.

He didn’t think for almost the entire run to the studio, focusing on not getting hit by cars as he ran across roads, not dropping either of his bags, and whether he was being followed to the one place he knew he’d feel at least somewhat safe.

When he pulled open the studio doors, the room was entirely empty, even from Luke. Not even bothering to flick the lights, Alex felt his anxiety overwhelm him as he entered the room, collapsing on the couch and letting his bags fall onto the floor as he clutched at his throat and chest and began to sob.

“Alex? Was that you?” Bobby’s voice came from the doorway, and a second later, the lights flickered on. Alex looked up and made out Bobby’s figure in the doorway through his tears and heavy breathing, and heard a gasp, “Fuck, Alex, what the hell happened?”

Bobby moved to reach him on the couch, cautiously sitting near him but not too close, as he waited for any kind of response.

“P-Parents.” Alex stuttered out, and Bobby cursed again under his breath.

“Okay. Did you want me to hug you, or anything?” Alex shook his head quickly- he was suffocating enough as is, “Okay.” Bobby repeated, and normal Alex might have noticed the panic creeping into his voice. “The water’s off down here tonight, so I’m gonna go into my grandpa’s house and get some water, can I leave you for two minutes to go, or did you want me to stay?”

Alex sobbed heavily again, but managed to gesture somewhat coherently to Bobby.

“Okay, I’ll be back in a few, okay? You’ll… it’ll be okay.” Bobby struggled to get out, standing up and hesitating for a second before walking quickly towards the main house.

A minute or so passed, and then: “Holy shit, Alex.” 

Alex lifted his head again to see Luke, looking terrified at the sight of the crying and panicking boy before him. He moved quickly to reach Alex, barely stopping to close the door behind him to try to block out some of the chilling February air. Luke noticed Alex’s shaking as he got closer, and he sat in the same spot Bobby had just vacated, careful to give the boy his space. “Okay. Take your time. I’m here.”

Alex’s vision swirled, his head felt light, his chest suddenly pulled painfully, and he knew exactly what was happening.

“Luke, please just-” He winced as his breathing increased and cut off his words, “give me five minutes.”

“No.” Luke shook his head, ever the stubborn best friend, and his eyebrows furrowed as he watched Alex curl in on himself on the couch, “I’m not leaving you alone, Alex, what’s going on?”

“I’m f-fine.”

“Please don’t tell me that when I can see you, I’m scared, Alex.” Luke pleaded, and Alex looked at him.

Luke’s eyes were wide and sad, worry present as they flicked between Alex’s eyes and his hunched form, somewhere in Alex’s brain unhelpfully reminding him of a few months earlier when they were sat in the same place on an entirely different night. Alex pulled at the strap of his bumbag as it sat across his chest, trying to find a second between breaths to calm his racing heart and get a word out. He felt the bracelet around his wrist - it was just string, but it was solid under his fingers, a birthday gift from Bobby - and closed his eyes.

“Alex…” Luke’s voice was closer, and Alex jumped away when he felt the other boy’s hands on his shoulders as they rose and fell with every fast breath.

“Don’t-” Alex breathed out, and Luke’s hands shot up beside his face as if surrendering.

“I won’t. I won’t touch you, I’m sorry. Tell me what I can do.” Luke murmured, sitting down and watching Alex with every bit of concentration. 

Overwhelmed with everything going on, Alex shook his head and brought his knees up to his chest, closing his eyes again and dropping his forehead onto his knees as he focused on counting breaths.

Inhale. Exhale. Slower inhale. Slower exhale. Feeling blood reach his head again. Chest aching worse with every fast beat of his heart. Feeling the corner of the couch in his back. Breathing.

When he could make sense of his thoughts a bit more, he lifted his chin slowly to find Luke still watching him with wide, sad eyes, lip bit raw between his teeth, and Bobby standing hesitantly behind him. Luke sat up straighter when Alex’s eyes met his, and with a single nod from Alex, he moved forward to take the panicking boy in his arms.

For the first time since that night he came out to the band, Alex let himself relax completely in his arms, squeezing his eyes closed as he pulled the other boy closer. He let himself be vulnerable and open in the way he hated most, showing what he considered the ugliest part of his broken self to one of the few people who he loved endlessly.

“You’ll be okay. Whatever it is, we’ll work it out.” Luke whispered, letting Alex wear himself out without a shift or a word of protest. Another moment passed before Alex felt Bobby on his other side, not leaning any weight on him, but covering his shoulder with a hand and letting him know he was there too.

Nothing was okay, but Alex caught one breath after another, and let himself break.

* * *

Moving into the studio with Luke was a change.

Alex hated change.

On one hand, if he and Luke hadn’t shifted their relationship when they did on New Year's, Alex was sure something would have changed in the first week after Alex left home. Being… whatever they were, it was easy to find comfort or a quiet moment when the studio was basically their home. Falling asleep in each other’s arms on the pull-out couch, getting excited over new songs and kissing quickly over Luke’s notebook, longer kisses in the silence of a place entirely theirs. They never told the other boys, not wanting anything to change within the dynamic of the four, and there was a comfort for Alex knowing that the only people who would change would be himself and Luke.

On the other hand, Alex didn’t think he had butt heads with Luke this much since their partner project in eight grade geography. It was never anything big, and they always found some way to talk it out or resolve it before it turned into a feud or grudge… but it was still exhausting.

It helped, slightly, that Alex tried to maintain some form of routine and keep up with school, even as Luke barely showed up. Not that any of the other bandmates expected him to, but there was no denying the gap in the group at school as they missed seeing their guitarist consistently every day.

When Bobby and Luke arrived one day, announcing that something had worked out and they were booked to play a set of shows, their own Summer Tour, starting at the Orpheum, Alex nearly lost his voice cheering, before his anxious brain caught up and the band started planning how to go about the night months away that would no doubt blow them up.

They used their savings to book a recording studio and actually record something, four songs agreed on that would work as a demo. They got photos taken of their band, feeling professional and like they were truly so close to making it. Alex got the Sunset Curve logo on his drums, Reggie found a place to print some cheap t-shirts, Bobby got real copies of their demo made, and Luke finalised the songs for their big night.

When Reggie mentioned one day at school to Alex that he saw some fabric in the school’s art room that could work as a backdrop for gigs, the two of them worked to sneak both it and cans of spray paint without getting caught. Somehow, they succeeded (with a tired head shake and resigned help from Bobby), and at rehearsal that afternoon the four boys shared one look before taking up cans and creating the Sunset Curve logo as big as it deserved to be. A mess of tape, five cans of spray paint, and four teenage boys, but by the end of that afternoon they had a backdrop for their studio and for their performances, as bold and colourful as they deserved.

“Well, it’ll be bigger and brighter one day, but for now, we don’t have to pay for it.” Reggie had joked as Alex and Bobby hung it up, and the four could only look proudly at their creation, and feel the excitement building for the Orpheum.

* * *

One month before they were set to play at the Orpheum, the boys were walking back to the studio late at night after playing at another small club, when things got loud.

Alex heard the slurs yelled at them first, wincing but not turning around. Reggie instinctively flinched from the sudden yell, Alex nudging him carefully to catch his eyes and smile weakly. Luke heard next, turning around to face the men yelling with fury written all over his face.

“The hell you just say?” Luke yelled across the street at them, Bobby trying to calm him quickly.

The men just glared and yelled the same word, louder, and this time it took Reggie and Bobby to stop Luke from running at them.

“Never worth it, man.” Bobby murmured.

“Just hecklers, Luke, ignore them,” Reggie said, but the way he looked between Luke and the men across the road with worry made Alex suspect he knew something deeper. 

The way Reggie met his eyes and his face immediately softened into worry all but confirmed it.

Luke hadn’t calmed down by the time they reached the studio, going straight to the dartboard and throwing as hard as he could, and Alex silently thanked his past self for hanging it up.

“Luke, what’s in you, man? They were just assholes, we’ve dealt with them before.” Bobby questioned as he closed the doors, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

“I don’t know, they just got to me. It’s one thing for people to yell at us and call our music bad, whatever, we know they’re wrong. But they were yelling _that_ … I can’t stand it.” Luke fumed, throwing one dart after the other to emphasise his words.

Some kind of understanding flicked across Bobby’s face, and Alex saw as Reggie seemed to confirm whatever he was thinking.

“The hell does our sexuality have to do with music?” Luke muttered, and Alex looked down with his hands in his pockets.

“Maybe because it’s not what they expect.” Bobby surprised the other three with that, and he shrugged slightly with a smile when Alex raised an eyebrow. “I mean, you’ve seen the girls at those gigs… but there are some guys there too.”

Alex moved first to hug the other boy, a laugh surprised out of him at the confession. “Really, dude?”

“Figured if there was anywhere I could admit that, it’d be here.”

“Huh.” Alex turned to see Reggie, eyes wide as if coming to a realisation, before he shook his head and also came over to hug Bobby, energy shining through like a puppy dog.

“Glad we see the same.” Luke finally smiled from across the studio, and the last of the tension in Bobby’s shoulders released as he crossed the studio to flop on the couch with a relieved smile.

“You can like both?” Reggie whispered quickly to Alex, and Alex didn’t waste a second before hugging him as well.

“Yeah. Yeah, you can.” Reggie pressed his lips closed tightly and nodded, melting into the hug.

Bobby was watching them from his position, and his smile grew amused as Reggie and Alex stepped back from each other. “Of course the band with the rainbow backdrop is the queerest in all of Hollywood.” 

Luke threw a cushion at his head with a laugh, Reggie snorted and leant his head on Alex’s shoulder, and Alex didn’t know how something so terrifying could feel this inviting.

Luke looked across the room at Alex, and somehow, Alex knew the conversation that was coming.

When Bobby and Reggie left, both needing to return before their parents woke, Alex turned to see a sad expression on Luke’s face.

“It’s over, isn’t it?” Luke said, and Alex sighed but made his way over to the other boy.

“We’re getting more people recognising us every day, Luke, we can’t risk anything.”

Luke nodded. “The band first.” Despite their words, Luke stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Alex’s neck, and Alex didn’t hesitate before holding him around the waist, closing his eyes and trying to tell his tears that this wasn’t an ending.

Alex pulled back first, smiling tightly and letting Luke grab his hands. “You’re my best friend.”

Luke grinned, “Same here, man. You know we’re a family.”

Alex nodded, but his heart ached at the loss of whatever they were, and he pulled back further. “I’m just gonna go for a walk. Don’t wait up for me.”

Alex walked along Sunset Boulevard, passing under the sign of the Orpheum, and hid any tears he let out under the bright lights.

He knew he wasn’t losing Luke, and he knew that the choice was as much Luke’s as it was his own, but there was still a heartbreak over losing something he had come to care so deeply for.

But the band was always to come first.

* * *

They never got to find out what it would be like to perform on a stage as renowned and isolated as the Orpheum, let alone what terrifying steps came after.

Alex thought the street dogs tasted off, but they were two hours away from reaching a destiny they had worked so hard for, so he shrugged and kept eating.

Reggie felt it first, a sharp pain in his stomach. Alex saw him wince and bring one hand up to his stomach with a frown, but Reggie noticed the worry and waved him off, just as Alex felt it himself.

“Shit, you okay?” Luke’s eyebrows furrowed as he watched Alex curl in on himself, one hand coming up to hold his shoulder gently.

“I’m… fine, just a weird cramp.” Alex and Reggie shared a look, something darker looming on their minds, only confirmed when Luke hissed out in pain and clutched his own stomach.

“Okay, something’s not sitting great with these.” All three had finished their street dog, and Alex winced as his stomach cramped up like a vice.

“Maybe Bobby had the right idea, skipping out,” Reggie mumbled as he leant on Luke’s shoulder.

Luke shook his head, determined. “We’ll be fine, let’s just get back to the Orpheum, and maybe we’ll walk it off, okay?”

Alex stood up first, offering a hand to pull Reggie and Luke up after, but their hands had barely left his before Alex collapsed in pain.

“Holy crap, ‘Lex.” Reggie breathed out quickly and dropped to beside him, just as Alex was starting to sit up.

“No, don’t. Just… give yourself a second.” Luke said, his breath coming out sharp as Reggie winced and leaned a bit more of his weight onto Alex.

People around them were starting to pay attention, a couple that was sitting at a table beside the couch asking if they were alright.

“We’re okay, tha-” Luke cut off as he curled in on himself as well, and Alex vaguely made out the older woman telling the man with her to call an ambulance.

“It’ll be alright, boys, we’ll call some help for you.” The woman said, wincing at their pained positions before following her partner.

Like the fight with his parents, Alex remembered the details of that night.

He knew that it took almost ten minutes for the ambulance to arrive and find them.

He knew that Reggie was the first one to cry, leaning forward on Alex with his hair falling over his face. 

He knew he was the first one led into the ambulance, Reggie following, and Luke being the last.

(He’d think, later, how curious that he was the one leading and Luke backing them up, when so often their roles fell in the opposite direction.)

He knew one of the paramedics cursed that they only had the one ambulance for three dying kids, before noticing Alex listening and giving him water to drink.

He knew the paramedics tried to ask the three of them questions, but the answers they gave didn’t give them a solution on how to stop the pain.

He knew they ended up curled on the bed together, half-sitting, half-collapsed on each other.

He knew when they laid down, Reggie was between himself and Luke.

He knew he felt Reggie’s hand in his the tightest, and his own shirt in the other.

He knew he remembered thinking of Bobby, and how much longer until they were needed on the Orpheum stage.

He knew he heard Luke pleading, the exact words lost to the pain, before he felt nothing.

There was a moment of separation, where he saw himself lying… dead. Reggie started crying harder, and Luke kept speaking words Alex couldn’t hear.

Some time passed, Reggie went still, then Luke, then the sensation of floating up before they were in a dark room.

Realising they were dead wasn’t the hardest part. Accepting what they had lost and left behind was.

* * *

On the third day since their appearance in the studio, Alex ended up alone with Julie.

Luke was ‘exploring the city’, which Alex and Reggie had learnt meant visiting his parents, and Reggie wanted to see what else from his childhood had been torn down, declining Alex’s company. Julie had introduced them to Flynn that afternoon, and Julie had them perform again as a band to prove to Flynn that the boys were indeed ghosts.

With the studio to himself, Alex flopped down on the couch and thought back on meeting Willie earlier that day. Willie was… really cute. Alex had said as much out loud earlier, feeling confident in his identity in a way he hadn’t felt… ever.

“Alex?” Julie’s voice startled him from the door of the studio, and he sat up and turned to see her watching him with an amused expression. “You good?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Thought you weren’t coming out here, sorry, I can go if-”

“No, stay, please.” Julie’s smile was warm, and Alex easily mirrored it, “You go out exploring today?” At Alex’s confused face, she laughed lightly, “Luke and Reggie asked me to join Sunset Curve earlier, where they told me they took my poem and wrote music for it, but you weren’t there.”

Alex remembered Luke saying something about Julie threatening them again, after they went through her stuff. “Right. Yeah, just… exploring. Seeing what’s changed.”

Julie sat down on the couch as well, leaving enough space between them that she wouldn’t risk passing through him. “What’d you find?”

“A lot more technology. Different celebrities. Different… celebrations.” His eyes went to the rainbow bracelet on his wrist, but quickly shot up back to her when he realised. “Uh, just different.”

Julie was smiling softly, also noticing the bracelet, but something sadder was in her face. “Different celebrations?”

Alex shrugged, hands going to his pockets as if on reflex. “People cared about different things in the 90s.”

Julie seemed to notice that Alex wasn’t going to get more specific, so she held out her own wrist and collection of bracelets to him, showing off the rainbow of colours and mismatching patterns. “I’ve got some. They’re mostly friendship bracelets with Flynn, a few from… an old friend, one that my brother made with me.” She pointed to a particular one with a small rainbow on it, and smiled wider when Alex’s face softened, “Flynn always wears at least one rainbow, so I’m always there with her.”

Alex looked up at her, and her smile stayed soft. “I can’t imagine it was easy in the 90s, but things are better now. Not perfect, but better.” She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and watched as Alex’s eyes stayed lowered. “If you ever want to talk about it, to someone with a bit more sense than your bandmates… I’m here.”

“You mean our bandmates.” Alex teased, and Julie couldn’t hold back the surprised laugh at his sudden sassiness.

“Yeah, I guess so.” She stood up then, picking up a piece of paper on the coffee table he hadn’t noticed, but paused before she got to the door. “Oh, and Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you, for Bright. Luke told me it was your song too.” Without waiting for his response, she left, and Alex was smiling at the closed door.

When Reggie returned a short while later, he found Alex sifting through his bag of clothes from the loft, finding the pastel colours he usually hid under jackets and smiling softly.

When he was alive, there was so much to fear, so much at risk with every move or thought. Now he was dead, there was something newer and more unknown to fear, but it came with a recklessness of freedom he didn’t know if he’d ever get to have while alive.

It was kind of… exhilarating.

**Author's Note:**

> there are plans for more in this series, do not fret.  
> find me on tumblr as [wlwillex](http://wlwillex.tumblr.com/)


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